A CHILD’S RESPONSE TO CONFORMITY

Tameka Raymond, mother, fashion stylist and wife to R&B singer Usher Raymond, wrote an interesting article (She’s Pretty for a Dark-Skinned Girl) about her experience as a dark-skinned woman. She went into detail about the way she is treated and talked of how she looks. A few things caught my attention:

I am a dark-skinned African American woman with features that reflect my ancestry. Debates regarding Light vs. Dark and other biases have plagued our race for years and continues to impact millions of Black women…

In fact, I have read similar comments about myself that I am “dark, aggressive, bossy and bitchy.” It has been stated that my husband should have been with a “younger, more beautiful” woman…

As I began to delve into further research on this topic, and the more I read, I concluded that many of our people do not like what they see in the mirror. Seeing ones own reflection in another person and then to dissect it in an effort to destroy can only be the product of self-loathing…

 Reading magazines, social media sites, watching our music videos, and television shows feed our appetites for all things ‘beauty”…

I too have fallen prey, while on vacation in Brazil I decided to undergo tummy lipo-surgery. After having an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, I went into cardiac arrest before the procedure ever began. I nearly lost my life over something as superficial as having a flatter mid-section and trying to adapt to society’s traditional definition of beauty…

Everything Tameka talked about is true. Although I’m not “dark-skinned,” as a child, I witnessed my friends being treated differently because of their complexion.

However, Tameka is grown, and by reading this article, I can tell she’s very strong and capable of ignoring negativity.

What bothers me is when children are mistreated because of how they look. They are so young and fragile, and most times don’t know how to respond when they are being verbally taunted.

They see the young girl who is being praised and try to emulate her so they will be accepted (i.e. If I had lighter skin like Marie, the other girls would play with me.)

One day, I picked up my daughter from school and I could tell something was bothering her. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that a child in her class said her braids were ugly.

As a parent, my initial reaction was to say something to the child. I mean, who wants to see their five-year-old daughter in tears? I had to explain to Jaelah that her braids were beautiful and that Mason was jealous because he couldn’t wear his hair like hers. I needed Jaelah to understand that with or without her braids, she was still gorgeous.

She smiled and said:

“I know Mommy, but can I just wear my hair like Alyssa’s?” (Alyssa, Jaelah’s classmate, has long, wavy brown hair and often wears it down will a single clip or headband.)

Mason’s comment led Jaelah to believe that she needed to change her physical appearance to be liked. Even though I tried to reverse her thinking, Mason had done enough damage.

Jaelah attended a predominately-white school, so she was surrounded by people she couldn’t identify with, and was sometimes teased because of her hairstyle and texture.

However, even if she went to a predominately-Black school, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she would escape the verbal body shots. As Tameka explained, people within your own race can be the most critical, causing the victim to hate what she sees when she looks in the mirror and doing anything, she can in an attempt to stop the mimicking.

What do you do when situations like this occur? How do you keep negative comments or opinions like those experienced by Jaelah and Tameka from having a lasting impact on a child’s mental health?

Discuss.

THE DARK SIDE OF STARDOM

Listening to Drake’s “I Just Want to Be Successful” made me reflect on the effect that being a celebrity has on young adults (males in particular) who are in the entertainment industry.

In this song, Drake defines success as having money, fancy cars, expensive clothes and tons of girls.

But this “success” can’t replace the feelings of emptiness and stress felt by entertainers.

We’ve witnessed the downward spiral of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. We’ve seen how they turned to drugs, alcohol and other wild acts as a way to deal with the extreme pressure of being a public figure. But with men, it’s a little different.

Men are supposed to be tough. They are expected to be able to handle their problems privately and show no emotions, especially those that involve sadness, anger and gloom.

Recently, rap artists Soulja Boy (later followed by Bow Wow) vented about industry pressure via Twitter.

Soulja Boy wrote:

“Thinkin about taking all my money and leaving. F*ck having a Million followers f*ck putting out music.”

“My music dream was THE SH*T 2 years ago before I was signed. It was everything I could ever imagine. Then I get signed. This is where my dream slowly died… Water down my music and my appearance and make me look like something I’m not… Make me look ignorant in the media. It’s all bulls**t. Like WHY do I have to put up with this? Because it’s my dream?”

“Just KNOW that I’m only 18 man… And it’s only so much I can do. It’s only so much I can take.”

Pretty sad, huh?

A couple weeks later, Bow Wow tweeted:

“… I wish I neva did and seen err thang so soon. I have nuffn to look forward 2. I’m down more than I am happy.”

A few days ago, Drake blogged about the “angels and demons” of his entertainment career, promising not to let his rise to stardom change who he really is:

“I will forever push myself beyond the limits despite advice and recommendations given because even with this new found success I am still the kid who wanted this more than anything in the world. It’s funny when I read comments from previous fans who have lost interest because of the radio play and exposure I have. I just want to assure anyone reading that nothing has changed on my end. I refuse to get comfortable, I refuse to fall in line and follow anyone else’s formulas.”

Soulja Boy is only 18 years old. Bow Wow is 22 years old. When you are a part of the entertainment world, you have to grow up fast. You see your childhood slip away and have to act like a man before you are really a MAN. They are going to make mistakes and because they are in the public eye, will be criticized for these mistakes.

That puts a lot of pressure on them, especially when they have record companies breathing down their backs, and don’t have parents or good role models to show them how to get through it.

All I can do is pray that they (Bow Wow and Soulja Boy) get through this rough time. I also hope that Drake remains strong-minded. But it’s hard when you are expected to transform into another person just to make money.

We need to stop expecting (young) entertainers to be perfect. Although they may have fame and fortune, this shows us that money is not everything.

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES

C’mon. I know you’ve heard of the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Oh, but they do.

When I was a child, my mother would tell me to rehearse that saying over and over again to block out the hurtful things kids would say to ridicule me. From elementary school of high school, guys would always tease me because of my slanted eyes. I convinced myself they only did that because they secretly had a crush on me.

At first I let it go. But the more they did it, the more it hurt. I was young. I didn’t understand why they would make Asian references to me when they knew it embarrassed me. I mean, who would want to be the center of a joke, especially a bad one?

I eventually developed a thick skin, and my embarrassment turned into anger. In my freshman year of high school, I attend a Catholic school. I was only one of 11 Black students in the entire student body. It was really awkward. I was teased because of what I didn’t own. My mom didn’t drive a Range Rover like Liz’s mother. My dad didn’t own a successful upscale restaurant like Lauren’s father. I wasn’t extremely poor, but I damn sure wasn’t rich either. People would call me “Shaniqua” or yell “Here comes the Black girl from hell” as I walked down the hall. I couldn’t take it anymore. I withdrew after my freshman year.

Fast forward nine years. I’m a successful PR professional and blog about children’s issues that are related to health and safety. And I’ll occasionally throw in a tip or two on how that issue corresponds with the public relations industry.

Well, someone commented on my last post regarding Bristol Palin’s pregnancy and her mother’s bid for vice presidency using some very derogatory and racist language. I was taken aback. According to the comment, since I’m not of the majority race, I know nothing about PR and have no business giving advice on parenting. I didn’t know how to respond, so I deleted the comment and said nothing.

This is my first post since then.

I came to grips with myself. Luckily I’m an adult who understands that there will always be ignorance in the world. There are people who get pleasure out of hurting another person’s feelings. Had I been a little more naïve, I could have agreed with this person and said, “She’s right. I’m a n!&&er who knows better than to give my two cents on anything.” Had I been a little more naïve, I would’ve given in to the boys who taunted me as a child. But that’s not me. Not all children are this strong.

The bantering and teasing is sometimes enough to drive a person to harm herself or others. Look at the girl who committed suicide because of nasty things her “friends” said to her on MySpace. Child taunting is a serious issue, and if you do it, you have to take responsibility for the effect your words may have on another person’s life… or death.

(TEEN) GIRLS GONE WILD!!! X-RATED

“If we were a movie
You’d be the right guy
And I’d be the best friend
You’d fall in love with
In the end we’d be laughing
Watching the sunset
Fade to black
Show the names
Play that happy song”

Play that happy song?

Well, things haven’t been so happy for kid star Miley Cyrus (a.k.a. Hannah Montana). After giving the world, and bloggers like me, something to talk about when she posed half-naked for Vanity Fair, Miley has been the target of comment and ridicule. Thanks to you Miley, I have another interesting post to publish!

Children are obsessed with Hannah and her split personality, as they are with Jamie Lynn Spears and High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens.  But what are parents to do when their children are looking up to 16-year-old parents-to-be and young actresses with topless pictures floating on the Web? Or how do they explain to their kids that Miley, even with her exposed back and post-sex hair, is still a good girl?

That’s a hard one. I’m just glad my daughter isn’t fanatical over Hannah Montana.

ATTENTION PARENTS: Be prepared to talk about the birds and the bees!

According to Miley, the picture was “artsy,” (she now has changed her opinion) but if you call that artistic, then I guess so are the pin-ups on the ceilings and walls of the nearest prison that Jim of Cell Block D is using to help relieve his sexual frustration.

OK, that may be a tad extreme, but there are perverts that get pleasure from looking at little girls with their clothes on, let alone those covered in only a bed sheet.

But wait, it gets worse. Rumor has it that Miley has gotten an offer to pose in Playboy. Yup, in three years, Hef (another perv) wants Miley to grace the magazine’s centerfold. I wouldn’t be surprised if she said yes, with full support from dad.

That’s scheduled to happen three years from now, but what in the meantime? Will Miley follow behind Jamie and become preggers? Or will she trail Lindsay (Lohan) and Britney (Spears) and be the latest star-gone-wild, behavior Miley calls “normal” and should be expected from 21- to 25-year-olds? I think we all know the answer to this one.

So, where does Disney go from here? How do they handle a bad situation that could’ve been prevented and may have a damaging effect on Disney’s market?

This is a tough one, but the first thing on my list would be to have a talk with Miley and her management team (because they obviously aren’t doing a good job of managing). Whatever Disney decides to do, they need to do it quick because ratings are already decreasing! (read more)

It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.